


"Good" Vibes

by ThatFantasticalNerd



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Diary/Journal, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Personal Growth, Social Anxiety, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:14:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24235609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatFantasticalNerd/pseuds/ThatFantasticalNerd
Summary: And not so good ones too.Why?Because this is a story about me, my life, and the struggles I have on a day to day basis.Read at your own risk, just warning you now...it's a lot.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 2





	1. Fuck It

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck It

Alright so, first things first, this is real. These are actual situations and my actual thoughts on a daily basis. My reason for writing them here is because these thoughts are honestly too much for me sometimes. I talk to those closest to me but after a while I start to feel like I'm exhausting their endless patience with me and even starting to sound like a broken record. But even then I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help deal with all of it. So, that's why I'm here. Maybe whoever is reading this can help offer some insight on the inner workings of my messed up mind.

Speaking of, here's some background for context.

It started at my niece's school's book fair. This was sometime last year before the schools had been shut down. Still getting used to my new job and the concept that the money I had was my own I hadn't actually planned on getting anything. My reason for being there was just to help my sister keep track of her two munchkins in the endless sea of children and to have some bonding time with the little nuggets. My presence was very much welcomed by my sister, who's son requires almost a constant eye on him. No seriously. Two year olds are on some other shit. You blink and find they've already booked it from your side and have wrecked all types of havoc before you've had the time to look down and freak because they've vanished.

I think on this day though he was exceptionally well behaved (thank goodness) and we were able to relax some. So while tagging along with my sister and her two ducklings I look down and I see this. A floral designed, teal diary with "Good Vibes" on the cover. And for some unknown reason, I was in love. It somehow just spoke to me. It was my aesthetic, my "vibe," if you will. And remembering all the times at my own school's book fairs where I was only able to look at all the cool things they sold, I decided right there and then that I could allow myself this one little gift to myself.

I really didn't have any plans for it to be completely honest, I figured it would look nice just sitting on my desk or something. Little confession here, I actually have a problem with doing that. I like to collect just random items that no one else really seems to want, or things that I find eccentric, like the battery operated parrot on my desk right now (who needs new batteries...), or the old wired telephone that also just adds a little character to my weirdly themed "working" space. I use quotes because another thing I hoard is empty notebooks. I like to call myself a writer but I haven't written anything besides half baked ideas in the memos app on my phone (it's...quite extensive, so many ideas so little time...).

I had been tossing the idea around lately that I do want to try to get back into it but with recent events I figured maybe journaling would not only help me get back into the swing but would also help sort out my many conflicting thoughts as well. But being the Champion of Procrastination and the Queen of Lack-of-Self-Care, I stored that thought away like the many notebooks collecting dust in my desk drawer.

But with stress never one to be placed on the back burner and my own wits coming to an end, I looked down at this little diary, thought to myself "'Good' Vibes? Not so much right now" followed closely by "fuck it" and me vigorously hunting down a pen that actually writes (why do I keep so many dead pens!? Like seriously!) and throwing myself right into it.

That doesn't really explain why I'm here now, but don't worry. I'll get there. Maybe.

I'm not really sure how much of myself I should share but I think it would help you understand where I'm coming from with all of it, so I guess I'll go into my background a bit more so you at least know more about what you're getting into. Feel free to turn back whenever you want. No pressure, it's kinda a lot so I'd understand.

{Trigger Warning: abuse mention, anxiety mention}

Alright so here we go.

For the most part I think I have an anxiety disorder. My mom was never really (and still isn't) the type to seek any kind of help, medical or mental, unless it's an absolute emergency. So while I told her that I'm sure I have problems that need to be addressed, we've never really looked into getting me any type of help, let alone a diagnosis. I don't want to be that person that claims something they aren't entirely sure about and I know it's dangerous to self diagnose, but it's really all I've been able to do up until now. As soon as things calm down though (quarantine and all that shit) I am going to be taking steps to assess my mental health professionally, since moving out of my mom's house has made that an option.

At the very least I can say that I can get overwhelmed at times and have struggles with anxiety but I can't say for sure whether or not it's because I've been stunted from my life growing up or if it's something else that can be treated. I'm sorry to anyone who reads this if you actually do struggle with this, I am not trying to offend anyone or pretend like I know what I'm talking about. All I know is that I need help sorting through the crap that goes through my head.

While I've never had any professional help with all of this, I have learned to cope with my own issues over the years. That isn't to stay that I don't still struggle knowing how to deal with everything that goes on. Some times are easier than others, but as of late everything just seems to be too much. I'm hoping that this will help.

Anyway, as to why I think I've developed such issues, this is where things get messy.

What really started it all I guess was when my dad left. I had only been four and had witnessed some of what went on between my parents but never really understood it until I grew up. After he left us, obviously we were left in the wreckage. My mom, not only being a single parent having to raise 3 kids on her own and struggle to make ends meet, also had to deal with the damage that took a toll on her own mental health. The abuse and the abandonment destroyed her. Looking back I realize how much damage it had left, and has still left because, like I've said, she's never seen anyone who could help her recover from it.

She still hasn't recovered. And most of that is because she's formed her own coping mechanisms. But they aren't good ones. They leave her detached and alone, here but never really here.

So, with an absent father, a mostly absent mother, and constantly moving town to town, there was never really anywhere for me to find stability, in real life or within my own skull. My older siblings found their escape, which was drugs and alcohol. My mother knew but there was never anything she could do about it. We were all kids and we were all made to grow up too fast.

My own escape had been books. Anytime anything became too much I would just crack one open and drown in someone else's problems. I never really had friends I could turn to. I learned that once I became attached to someone we would be packing up and leaving for somewhere else. I had friends, don't get me wrong, I like to get along with people, but never really anyone who I could turn to or depend on, only someone to share a laugh and lunch table with.

Later I was introduced to the internet, waaay too early in my opinion. I found shows I liked and games I enjoyed playing. In a way, I coped like my mom did. I was there but not really. At one point my dad came back. My parents hadn't divorced, they'd been separated. And things had been great for a while. Our dad was around, we got to hang out with him, my mom got pregnant with my soon to be little sister. But just when we start to think that we can be a happy family again, he comes through like the wild fire that he is and ends up destroying things.

The monster was back, screaming, cursing, throwing the stove top burners across the room while I pretended to be asleep on the couch. He'd abuse my sister, and while he'd never laid a hand on me I remembered living in fear of bringing that beast forward. For in those moments he wasn't my dad. No, he just looked like him.

He truly was a monster to me when his eyes would bulge out of his head and his face would turn scarlet and the way his chest would heave made me think that he was about to exhale fire. It was, and still is, terrifying. It's probably something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And after breaking apart our newly formed hopes he was off again. Divorce this time. But now with my mom 8 months pregnant and us moving again from the latest eviction notice.

I again found peace in fictional stories and lives that weren't my own. But soon enough my little sister was born, and I was all but too eager to help out. I had been the youngest before, and with an eleven year age difference I was excited to not be "the baby" anymore. What had started out as just being that little bit of extra help when my mother needed it over the years twisted and developed into something far worse.

At the time of my youngest sister growing up, my older sister (the oldest out of all four of us) had started to distance herself more. I never understood it until I grew up myself. She had gone through what I had to but with me and my brother instead. She became "the second parent," in a way, when my dad left the first time. With my mother being as negligent as she was, and having no one else to depend on, there really hadn't been any other choice. So when my little sister was born, my older sister didn't want to go through it again. And that's when I became "the second parent."

Don't get me wrong, I love being an older sister, but at the age I was at I should not have had to deal with the stress of being responsible for someone else's life. I wasn't even ready to be responsible for my own! But that's what happened and it continued to happen for years.

This was what life was like. We never had our own place to call home. We had places we lived, hotels, apartments, trailers, a homeless shelter at one point, even our van once, but never a place we lived in for more than a year or two. We'd crash at friend's houses, family's houses, it never ended. My sister and brother both moved out at one point and it was just my mom, my little sister, and me. And while mom would go to work, I would be the stay at home sitter.

I had always tried my best to be a good student, even managed straight A's my freshman year of high school but my school days ended when I dropped out my Junior year to get a job. The plan had been to join online school but they never accepted me and I honestly hadn't seen the point in trying. The stress and the absences from being too involved in my family had already brought me down to failing grades and I was at that point when I looked at everything they taught us and knew I wouldn't need most of it. I had already seen so much life as it was to know that I wouldn't need the Pythagorean theorem anytime in the future. Unless my future somehow involved being a math teacher. My dream HAD been to be an author, but my career class spit on that and told me my skills weren't suited for it.

So in short, my life has been chaos.

Over the last few years my older sister and I have actually reformed our bond. She got her life back in order and is now happily married with two kids, six and three years old, and she knew from first-hand experience what I had been going through at home. My mom had somewhat gotten her shit together and we'd been living in the same place pretty much since my freshman year, but around the time that I dropped out my sister would invite me over whenever she could, knowing I needed that getaway, that escape from the daily stress I dealt with.

We discussed on multiple occasions the idea of me moving out and in with her. I felt a thrill at the idea but I didn't want to intrude on the life she had so nicely built with her husband. She would always reassure me that I wouldn't be, and we both agreed that my living with our mom just enabled her bad behaviors, but it was only last year that I plucked up the nerve to move in with her.

And it's honestly been great, my sister and I motivate each other to be better. I've been on a steady upward climb of working on my self confidence and of better dealing with my anxiety and dark thoughts, which my sister also struggles with. And in my absence my mom had started to step up in her parenting which has been great. Things had been steadily getting better.

Well. Mostly anyway.

What I forgot to mention is that when I moved I actually had my best friend move in too. Nicole and I became friends in ninth grade. I was at that point where I wasn't sure if I'd be moving again so really we were just good classmates. In tenth grade, when we met up again, is really when any type of friendship had begun. I had had other friends before Nicole, one of which I had my first sleepover with during ninth grade, but none I could ever relate to. For instance, the one who I had a sleepover with, lived in the suburbs as an only child with both her mom and her dad, and they'd had a cozy life there ever since she was born. I had been close with her but I felt incredibly uncomfortable around her too since she had such a different life than my own.

Nicole was different though. She didn't have a cozy life. I won't get into it too much but her mom's health had always been fragile, she'd been a cancer survivor but there was still plenty wrong with her. She had a similar upbringing to my own, life not so secure and family being first and foremost for anything. That's probably why I thought we had such a strong friendship, because we understood one another.

The reason she had come along with me was because just three years earlier her mother passed away. The only family she had left was down in Florida but in her mother's will she had stated that she wanted Nicole to be placed in the hands of a family friend. And so she was placed under temporary guardianship until she was 18.

But things had not been great. This family friend turned out not to be the easiest to live with, and the toll it had been taking on her mental health was plain to see. The growing theme with our friendship was that we would become each other's refuge, we'd alternate between going to the other's house on the weekends, me to get away from playing "mom" and her to get a breather from taking care of hers. So I offered that as much as I could when she moved but whenever it was time to leave she was more reluctant each time.

I started to bring up the plan I had of moving in with my sister and, after talking with her and making sure she was on board, tried to convince her to come with me once she turned 18. She was hard to convince, she was too attached to the idea that she had to take care of her guardian, her being like the only family she had left. It took some time but eventually we were able to get her to come with us. And just like that, we were on the verge of starting our lives, nothing to hold us back. Our lives were ours.

At least...they were supposed to be.

It turns out that she wasn't exactly easy to live with either. We ended up sharing a room, we got bunk beds so we each had our own space, but that wasn't the issue. Our lives were constantly on different schedules. By the time I would be waking up, she would be going to sleep. And while I was the one who grew up with siblings and learned to find appreciation in those moments I can have to myself, Nicole (being an only child) seemed to prefer solitude most of the time, and with us sharing the same space along with her sleeping most of the day away, there really hadn't been any place for me to go in order to unplug and recharge from people. And I'm not the type to intrude on someone else's space or personal time, especially when they're asleep, so while the room had been ours, most of the time it felt like it was just Nicole's.

There were other issues too, things that triggered me on a daily basis. And I say "triggered" because I very much was. In everything that she did, Nicole would constantly remind me of my mom. And while I love my mother to death, I moved out of her house for a reason. Only to have her presence follow me when I'm trying to move on with my life.

Not only did I have to find a way to deal with her presence at home, but also at work. At the time we had figured that working at the same place was a good idea since we could carpool together (Nicole having a license while I do not). So issues I had with her at work would follow me home and issues I had with her at home followed me back to work.

I. Was. SUFFOCATING.

We were always together, and being constantly by each other's sides revealed things to me about our friendship that I hadn't realized before. It was hard but what was even harder was realizing that I wasn't all that bothered about losing our friendship. Finding out something I thought I held so dear really means so little to me was...bizarre. Still is. I think that in the beginning I might have mistook our similar struggles as us reaching a level of trust and understanding that I never had with other friends, but really most of that only came from me. Nicole has never really understood the effects she has on my mental health at times and in my worst moments she has only ever succeeded in making things worse.

And I know that might sound unfair, but there have been moments when I've said I've needed space or that I don't want people to touch me when I'm worked up, something about it just sets me off even worse, but even after telling her what it does she will still proceed in invading my bubble or patting me on the back. And just-I don't know how to explain it but when I'm overwhelmed and someone touches me without warning or me wanting it, my skin starts to crawl and it sends me spiraling even more.

It got so bad that it felt like whenever she was around (which was always) I was constantly holding my breath, biting my tongue, stopping myself from lashing out at her because it really isn't her fault that I'm such a mess. And knowing from past experiences, even if I were to tell her she needed to change, she's incapable of taking constructive criticism that it wouldn't have done anything except offend her.

Thankfully though she's moved in with her boyfriend (of three months, but again, CAN'T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM OR GENUINE CONCERN) so I at least get a break from her now. The only thing that hasn't changed is my realization that I can't go to her with my troubles and thoughts. Lately she's become like all the other friends I've had before, just someone to share a laugh with.

And that is another reason why I'm here. There's only so much I can confide my sister in before I start to feel like I'm wasting her time with the same issues. And to be completely honest, I miss having that kind of connection with someone outside my family, having someone I trust enough with my thoughts without fear of them shitting all over my feelings. And god did Nicole do that a lot. And while writing things out has helped me sort through everything that flows through my mind, it doesn't really provide many answers or advice.

And with that, I think that's all of it. That sums up most of what's brought me here. If anything else comes up I guess I'll try to explain. But without further ado here are some actual journal entries of how I've been trying to deal these last few weeks. I hope my struggles make for an interesting read and if you have any advice I'd love to hear it because...well honestly, anything is better than nothing at this point.

So here goes.

Enjoy.


	2. Tuesday, April 28th

This book lies.

The title says "good vibes" but as of right now, shits fucked.

Where to even begin? 2020 has been shit but recent realizations point to things being fucked even before this cursed year. 2020 has just been the CHERRY on top of this shit pile. Quarantine, COVID-19, shit friends, and stupid boys. Mix in the fuck load of mental issues I have that barely make it possible to even function as a normal human being. It's hard to get my thoughts out so I guess I'll try to take things step-by-step (hence the journal to stop the ever racing train of thought my brain is constantly running).

So, "best friend." What have I been doing, wasting my love and care on someone so selfish and uncaring to anything having to deal with my issues. I give 110% of my everything and all it has ever done is suck the absolute LIFE out of me.

While I'm sad to see our "friendship" go to shit I think I'm more torn up looking back and realizing it was never all that pleasant from the beginning. There's been trust and there have been laughs but really we weren't all that close it seems. We never really had much in common and there has always been this 'disconnect.'

It has always felt like there's been more care and consideration from me and not all that much given back in return, other than a hug and the unwelcome pats on the back which I've explained aren't helpful at times and were met with not understanding but offense. I just can't comprehend how someone can be so insensitive and not realize how their words and actions can affect someone negatively. Like try to be empathetic as you've said you're so great at. Bullshit. If you're so great at it then why is it so hard for you to understand how I'm feeling, where I'm coming from, and to understand what I'm trying to say without misinterpreting or taking offense.

It just seems like all this trust has been misplaced and built on lies of false care. My eyes are open and although the truth is ugly and makes me want to cry, I'm so glad I've seen it sooner rather than later. I can only hope that someday I can express these thoughts to you but knowing how badly you take advice I doubt that will ever happen. Best guess is that our friendship will fade out and die quietly like a candle that has burned for longer than it was meant to.

At least that's what I hope for anyway. Rather have things fade than to have them explode.

Which is worse I wonder?

Do you care either way?


	3. Friday, May 1st

It never occurred to me that I didn't get to the rest of what's been bugging me. That can wait because I have an update.

As it turns out, I am able to have normal conversations with Nicole and Rob, able to laugh and joke. {A/N: we'd been trapped in an ongoing game of "silent treatment" after I found out she had told Rob, her boyfriend, something I told her without asking my permission. Rob and I get along just fine, but I'm a private person and I don't really know the dude that well so I really didn't appreciate it. That and he had said something rather insensitive concerning my mental issues and that also was very unwelcome. Think this was about the time that I snapped and starting writing}

But I think that keeping it at base-line interactions with her is best, anything deeper than that is off limits. I no longer have the trust I had in them before to open myself up to them again. And as I expected, Nicole hasn't suspected anything wrong. Like how oblivious can you get?

I don't understand how anyone can be so unobservant. Maybe that's harsh coming from someone who observes entirely too much, though...

Anyway, that's all I have on that. The other cause for my loss in sanity is something I have no experience in whatsoever. Shit people and friends? Been there, done that. Cute boys that may or may not be interested in me? C L U E L E S S!

Otherwise referred to as Zab, this 'cute boy' drives me CRAZY. Going back and forth from complimenting (possibly flirting???) me and asking me introspective questions to then turn around and start talking about his "girlfriend."

I don't know what to think!

It doesn't help that I've heard some...pretty out there things about him from Rob, and while I trust Rob as far as I can throw him (newsflash, isn't possible), the thoughts are still there. Could Zab be a closeted freak? Is it just guy talk to seem cool?? Did Rob just make it up???

And if he's as sexually explorative (that's a word, right?) as Rob says, where does that leave inexperienced, possibly asexual, me?

God, I'm so confused.

But I've never felt this way before. I don't think it's anything more than a crush but as far as crushes go this has been the worst one yet. I can't get his stupid cute smile out of my head. And as much as I want him to be single and into me, would I even be ready for a relationship? Sure it seems like Zab is open to new things but would that include having to deal with me and all of my issues? Sometimes they're too much for even me. I'm starting to think I'm better off on my own.

Me and my problems for the rest of forever. Its almost like I'm married to myself. Romantic, right?

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, as of right now I am proceeding with caution, under the impression that we're friends. I will keep up my attempts at being more readily available (as in approachable don't get the wrong idea (hopefully me reading this)) {A/N: haha, oops} by being the one who starts the conversations and reaching out through his newly acquired social media account.

Oh god, I sound like a fucking love-sick teenager. Well, technically I AM a teenager, but that's besides the point! I'm basically an infant when it comes to boy problems, completely out of my element {and my league}.

God why couldn't I just stay invisible and lost in my books. Thought I'd get enough emotional turmoil from them alone. If only I knew.

The world of the opposite sex is a world left unexplored and the one of romantic relationships as familiar as the earth's sea. So...I know absolutely, fucking nothing about anything. One thing I do know though, it's exhausting. I'll keep updates of my "research" as they come, maybe keep track of my racing thoughts along the way.


	4. Monday, May 3rd

How does one "human?" I'm half convinced that I may be an alien since I have such a hard time being normal. For instance, my sister has just tried multiple times to get me out of my room so we can hang out but I'm physically exhausted from being around people all week {A/N: Side effect from being an introvert} that I'm tempted to never leave my room. Melodramatic, but what can I say?

The stress of everything likes to hit me at random times. Today it just so happened to hit me first thing in the morning, making the task of just lifting my head from the pillow a chore. It probably hit last night and that's what caused my restless sleep. Who knows?

Not only have I just learned that my mom might have covid {She went in for testing after she had a fever but still came over to our place before telling anyone. Update, she's fine just really careless}, I've also been driven out of my mind at work.

Yesterday had been chaotic. Everyday usually is, but it seems like this epidemic has just added fuel to the fire. It doesn't help that my teenage antics have finally caught up to me. I should've realized that I couldn't have just gone from 13 to 30 (love that movie, by the way) but with everything I had to grow up with it wasn't hard to feel more grown up than I actually was.

Now it feels like I've regressed. I'm daydreaming like crazy (or more than usual anyway) all throughout work, playing out scenario after scenario, pretend conversation after conversation. I swear most of the social interactions I have happen within my own head, going back to my train theory, no station in sight, just always running. Do other people's brains work that way or am I right to assume that I'm wired differently?

Another added stress is that my 20th birthday is coming up. I don't usually care about my birthdays, another year alive (woooh) but this one is more serious. Knowing now that my sister is on the spectrum brings up the possibility that I might be too. I can still be tested up until the age of 20 though, making this one a bigger deal. I just want to get tested so that I can have an answer, knowing the outcome might help me figure out my own issues. But with quarantine being extended my hopes on getting that chance are slowly getting crushed.

Why must life be so frustrating? Why must boys be so confusing? Not only am I stressed out by the pandemic and my ever changing mental state, I've been driving myself crazy over Zab. No progress has been made.

Day by day, I'm scared of my growing feelings for him. It's stupid, I know, but I've never felt this way about anyone, I'm not sure what to do with them. Sometimes I just want to grab his stupid face and kiss him which is not something I've ever wanted to do with anyone. I'm 19 and I've never dated, which is embarrassing I know, and I'm scared of my lack of experience.

I wish there was a "relationships for dummies" book. Well, I mean, I know how they work, I've just never had one. I've always had this thought that I'll end up like my mom, single and just focused on my job. Maybe with a cat or two. Maybe some large dogs. Never have I thought anyone would be interested in me so I've dedicated my life to be a cat lady. Now though...I want more than that.

I want someone to hold, to kiss, to cuddle in bed and hold hands with. I recently thought that I may be asexual but now I've been having less than asexual thoughts. Would I really be against having sex? I know I have a sex drive but only recently have I had myself in these fantasies. {TMI sorry} I know everyone must go through this process of finding themselves but I feel like mine has hit me kind of late.

I feel as if I've been severely stunted in terms of growing up from doing things so out of order, and I hate it. I just want answers! Zab just tell me if you like me, please! Because I know I'll never have the courage to make the first move with the ever lingering thought that you might have a girlfriend.

I have never wanted anyone to not exist before but I am hoping with everything that I am that she isn't real, that you just made her up to test me. Please let her be fake. Please let me have passed the test, because I am tired of questioning everything. Please just like me as much as I like you.

(What a time to realize that I'm actually capable of feeling these feelings, like "hello emotions, there are kind of more important things going on!")


	5. Friday, May 8th

It’s funny how I made it a point not to write everyday and I end up writing nearly a week later. A lot has happened so I guess I’ll try to recap what I can.

I don’t think anything noteworthy happened Monday or Tuesday, aside from the passing hello and quips to fellow coworkers (mostly to whoever was working with Zab and not actually him...oops) but Tuesday night is when I took initiative.

So, with my experience in rom-coms and romantic novels alike, I hatched a harebrained scheme. The scheme being this: I message Zab asking if I can get his advice on something based on a conversation we had a while ago, the topic of that conversation was mostly relationships and heartbreak which I had admitted to not having any experience in either one. 

I had forgotten that he’d been staying late at work for overtime so I stayed up to see if he’d respond. And he did. Just as I was about to call it quits and go to bed. So I asked him how he got over his heartbreak because even though I know I’m not “in love” with him, I do feel like my heart is breaking thinking that I’ll never get a chance with him and that I’m too messed up to be with anyone. 

Being alone for the rest of my life didn’t sound as bad before but now the very thought has me sick to my stomach. What I had hoped for was that he’d eventually ask what was up or why I felt the way I did, to which I would lay out my thoughts about this “mysterious guy” possibly playing me. Hoping that he would either take the hint or that he would tell me the guy seemed legit. I don’t know, something like that. 

But what really happened was that he gave me some actual solid advice which...I don’t know, made me feel pretty stupid because here he is talking from the heart about this actual experience he went through and here I am just whining about the thought that this guy doesn’t like me back. I ended up feeling pretty childish and ridiculous in comparison. Is what I’m going through ANYTHING like that? While I do feel horrible and know that I’m allowed such feelings, could they really be anything related to heartbreak? I decided that while they could in a sense, it probably wasn’t as serious as to actually lose someone you loved. Is losing someone you never had the same kind of pain? I don’t know...Probably not.

Anyway, I felt embarrassed and ashamed, like I had wasted his time and his advice since our situations weren’t the same, so I thanked him and apologized. He told me it was alright but even then I still cried myself to sleep (fucking baby). 

The next morning (my day off, thank goodness, I know how to plan these things) I woke up feeling more alone and unloved than ever. I told my sister and read her the messages and her interpretation was much different. She thought he might have sounded jealous? I don’t know, I still think he was just trying to be cool and helpful. But who knows? I don’t, I obviously don’t understand the male species!

But with that my hopes were sparked once again. Which...ahhh! I’m so easy!

Feelings are hard to keep up with, one second I’m miserable the next I’m on cloud nine! It’s difficult to keep up with. 

So Thursday rolls around and I’m back to work. Business as usual, we were just passing each other by. That is until he popped into my aisle, at first I thought maybe something of ours was on his cart and he was just working it so I didn’t think much of it. {A/N: though him suddenly appearing out of nowhere I didn’t appreciate, I wasn’t ready damn it! Give a girl some warning} 

He asked how I was doing as he passed (normal biz) and I said alright and I thought that that was it. Until he approached me again and said that I didn’t have to worry about bugging him, that I can talk to him whenever I need it. Which is just...so sweet! I nearly died. And then he said that it would be easier if I had his number to which...Moriah.exe has stopped responding. He went on to explain that he doesn’t have his notifications on for social media while all I could respond with was to nod dumbly at him. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I shouldn’t feel so giddy about this but I was (still kind of am) {...}.

So the rest of the night had been going alright, something did happen that I really wish didn’t though. It was while I was at the baler with Zab and another coworker, Mike. I can’t remember really what we had been talking about, I think I may have poked fun at Mike’s slick back and he had said “its what the ladies like” which I scoffed at and then he said “well maybe not for you.” 

When I asked what he had meant he replied with “you’re the one who said you’re asexual so…”

And just...I hadn’t even remembered telling him that (maybe it was like an offhand comment, not really a big deal since I don’t really care what Mike thought about it) but to be reminded that I did, in front of Zab no less was a bit of a shock.

{Not only that but, his understanding of it too is lacking. I know he probably knows nothing about it, and isn’t expected to, but still. Being asexual doesn’t mean I can’t find people attractive physically or like their appearance, it just means that I don’t have a sexual attraction to people or have the desire to be sexual with them. Also it changes from person to person, this has just been my experience}

Learning about asexuality, I had been sure that that is what I most identified as, but as of recently I had been questioning it. I would’ve liked to have had the opportunity to tell Zab myself (if anything ever happened between us) or even have the choice not to, but to have that choice taken from me sent me spiraling. I ended up spending my break in the bathroom, having an anxiety attack , which only brought back memories from high school which only sent me spiraling more. It wasn’t great…

Mike messaged an apology soon after and I told him that it was alright. And then I had to work with both of them. Yaaay….

Anxiety is exhausting, it takes a lot out of you physically, so I was basically dead on my feet while working with them. And while I had told Mike that we were alright, that I understood that he hadn’t meant any harm, it was still uncomfortable to be around him. How does one recover from feeling like their skin has been peeled back and they’ve been exposed? Mike didn’t seem to understand that it would take time for me to readjust and again it's not like I expect him to, I told him we were okay so of course he would think that we were okay.

I feel bad since the both of them (and another coworker, Derek) tried to interact with me but I was up in my own head, not even realizing they were addressing me at times. It’s like hearing things from a distance, their voices were just a murmur on the wind, my thoughts were louder, they would have to raise their voices for me to be able to hear them above it. When they asked, I just told them I was tired, which was partly true.

I would come to every now with a quip or smart remark but I still felt embarrassed so I would retreat soon after. Would Zab ask? Did he even know what it meant? Did he even hear? Did he care?

To my relief though it didn’t come up {still hasn’t, phew}. 

At a later point. Mike asked if I enjoyed coming in for overtime, I said yeah and that I’d be looking forward to the extra cash. This brought him to ask if I’d be staying on with the 4 o’clockers (I’m a 2 o’clocker, come in at 2 stay til 11. The 4 o’clockers come in at four and stay til 1. Because of everything that’s been going on our work has encouraged us to put in as much overtime as we can, coming in on our days off, taking shorter lunches, and staying on with the 4 o’clockers). I told him that I would give it some thought but that the only problem I had was that I wouldn’t have a ride home (my sister can hardly stay awake until 11 as is).

AND THEN! Mike turns to Zab and asks him if he would be alright with giving me a ride. And I just...bitch what!? AAHH!!! To make it worse, Zab says he’d have no problem with it. I didn’t know what to do so I told him that I wouldn’t want to bother him and he said he really didn’t mind. Now I don’t know what to do!

As happy and excited as I am for whatever is happening, I’m also terrified. There’s still the “girlfriend” issue hanging over my head. No headway has been made on that front. If she is real then what is Zab playing at? Is he just being a really good friend? There’s a high chance that he is and I could just be reading into things, which is not unlikely of me. 

If she is real then I’ll back off. No matter how big my stupid crush is, I will not get in between someone else’s relationship. It’ll hurt since I’m already so in over my head but I’m not going to ruin something just for my own happiness. That wouldn’t be right. As of right now though there’s no harm in having a crush on him as long as I don’t act on it.

So in conclusion, I’m happy, excited even, but sooo confused! What does Zab want from me?? Can’t he just be clear? Or is he being clear and I’m just misinterpreting??? God, I just want answers! 

But most of all, I just want something good to happen in my life. Please for the love of everything, Zab, please don’t turn out to be some twisted asshole who’s just playing with my heart. I’ve come this far, turning back might just break me.

{Jesus, did I really write this crap?}


	6. Wednesday, May 13th

Fuck boys. Fuck romance. 

Fuck everything.

Fuck me, especially, for not pulling my head out of my ass sooner. Me thinking there was some elaborate plan going on behind the scenes instead of a cute guy just being nice to me. He probably feels bad for me and that's why he reached out. 

Did he play me? Is he an asshole? I don’t know. 

He was probably unaware of the effect he had on my poor innocent heart, but god damn it why!? Why is it that the first time I’ve felt anything like this before has to be wasted on a guy that has a girlfriend!? I can “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” all day and sprinkle in a few “what ifs” until the fucking cows come home but its not going to change the fact that he has someone. And it’s not me. Will never BE me. 

I’m kind of glad things worked out the way they did, me finding all of this out on my day off, now I don’t have to deal with this reality check at work. I can only hope that I can pull myself together enough when I see him tomorrow. Please, Universe, do me a solid, have us work on opposite sides of the store, it’s going to be a while before my heart doesn’t cry at the sight of him. 

Fuck. Just why?

A part of me wishes that I were still hung up in suspense only if it would mean that I wouldn’t feel as bad as I do now. But it’s good that I know, now I don’t have to waste my time hoping for something that will never happen. I wonder if he knew how messed up I was about him, maybe that’s the reason he posted those couple photos out of nowhere, maybe he wanted me off his case. Please believe me when I say that I tried to look into her to see if she was real but there hadn’t been a hint of her existence anywhere in the three posts he has on his page. The only times I had heard of her were from his own mouth and a suspicious story he posted just after he had me follow him of a black screen with only the words “my gf is fine af.”

The timing had been a little convenient so of course I would think that he was playing at something. But, no. No schemes. No games. Just a genuinely sweet guy who loves his girlfriend. 

God I sure know how to pick ‘em. 

I know I sound mad, but its not directed towards him. At first, yes, yes it was. I was all “how dare he play with my feelings,” but really the only one playing with my feelings was me. I’m the one who misread all of his intentions and fell for his stupid face and looked forward to our talks together. I hope this won’t make any chance at friendship between us weird but knowing me and all my awkward glory...I don’t know, we’ll see I guess.

In this time that I have I’m going to try to piece back together the fragments of my heart. If it still hurts by tomorrow then that’s okay, I won’t pretend to be happy (only for the customers but what else is new? Budumchss). It’s alright to feel my feelings and I’m going to accept that fact no matter how long it takes.

I’m kind of glad that I realized all of this before I had another momentary loss in sanity and texted him again. Good timing, Universe, thank you for saving me from myself. 

But if this turns out in the end that he really WAS playing me instead of just being nice, then honestly from the bottom of my broken ass heart, Fuck you, sir.


	7. Wednesday, June 3rd

Haha...yeah. It’s been a hot minute.

In my defense, I’ve been pretty busy lately. Busy procrastinating maybe but let’s not open that can of worms.

Alright, as far as updates go there really isn’t much to share. I’ve been doing alright, still fixing up my confidence and battling my thoughts everyday but that hasn’t changed. Nothing really noteworthy has happened but I feel bad for not coming up with something. Lately I’ve just been stuck in my own head, repairing little by little the damage I did.

And I say “damage I did” because it’s true. It’s scary how far you can tear yourself down over something like this, but that’s what happened. In the end I’ve decided not to blame myself too much (if anything its the store’s radio channel that’s to blame, damn them for playing every love song under the fucking sun, got all these people thinking they caught the feels and shit). Is it possible that I was just being strung along? Yes, but I’d rather not pin the blame on the boy too much. I have no idea if he knew or not and I’m not going to speculate. It’s over and done with and we’re moving on.

Which reminds me that he actually is. Apparently he has another job lined up, something that pays more? I’m not sure, I’ve only heard about it from our supervisor and my coworker/bud Derek, and they didn’t have that much to say on it. Not like they were being secretive but more like an offhand “oh yeah his last day is coming up, we should saran wrap his car” (this is legit what my supervisor, Lisa said, I love her she’s great).

When I first heard, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was a little disappointed, one because he’s leaving and two because I didn’t hear it from him {A/N: but like what reason would he have for telling me??} but then again things have been a little awkward between us since this whole mess. Not sure if he’s even aware but I’ve kinda been avoiding him. It’s not on purpose, it's just that for a while it just made me sad to see him and embarrassed for getting in over my head so I’ve been ignoring him when he’s around, or paying attention to whoever else is there. I don’t try to make it obvious or anything but I have no idea if I’m subtle either, if only I could see myself through other people’s eyes.

But this isn’t that much different than how things were before. If anything now I think I’m a little grateful that he’s leaving. Which sounds mean but I figured out what I’ve been struggling with more than the fact that some cute boy didn’t like me back. The harsher reality is that I was mostly so put out by the fact that I had one less thing to look forward to . It was exciting to get up and get ready and think “I wonder if we’ll get to talk today,” I just hadn’t realized it until that feeling was gone.

It’s weird, for the longest time I tossed around ideas of asexuality and even being aromantic (someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction to others) and accepted and was alright with the fact that that was what explained me. But if that were the case now then I wouldn’t be craving the presence of somebody to care about me in that way, to consider me someone that they have feelings for. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being aromantic I’m just saying it’s an interesting experience to find out you’re something other than what you thought you were before. But hey if I was gonna figure anything out in terms of my sexuality, then what better time than Pride Month, right?

Speaking of that, in honor of Pride Month this is me coming out as a demisexual. I’ve been pretty sure about being asexual for a while now so this wasn’t that far of a realization for me to make, but I’m happy that I was able to discover this about myself. It’s a nice feeling to understand yourself a little more and to know that what I identify as is validated and that I’m not the only one. So to anyone who’s reading, whether you’re a member of the LGBTQIA , an ally, and even you straight people (I see you, we’re cool dude, love for you too),

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!

Even with all this fucking “pridefall” shit going on, stand strong because trust me:

You. Are. Not. Alone.

So keep being you and love yourself no matter what other people think. This is 2020, the world is changing, has been changed, it’s just time for everyone else to realize and accept that the world is a lot more beautiful when you love whoever you love.

Now, let me think, what else have I been up to…?

Oh! I’ve been hanging out with one of my oldest friends, Nikki. We’re practically family, her older sister being the friend of my step mom, so she’s always been around but I often forget that I can turn to her. After everything with Nicole, I needed to find that someone I could share my thoughts with again, preferably with someone who would listen and not make me feel bad for my feelings. I’m not sure who reached out first but we started hanging out again and it’s been great. It feels nice to have a friend again.

Nicole and I are still cool, but there’s still like this wall between us that I’m not ready to take down. Things just seem better when I keep her at an arm's length. It might seem harsh, but I feel like if things are to go well then I can’t be over involved with her, can’t have her too close. And only seeing her in short spans of time has made things better between us, even if she hasn’t realized.

But anyway, things with Nikki have always gone smoothly, we have a lot of the same interests and hobbies. I think that the reason I never tried to hang out with her more though is that while I’d like to be spontaneous and fun (and am still trying to, getting out of my comfort zone little by little) my efforts pale in comparison to how outgoing and extroverted Nikki is. I’ve always been half afraid that she’d get bored of me, I can be fun and loud too, but as an introvert I can only thrive on the energy of those who are closest to me for a little while before the social interactions drain me completely. That and I’ll have off days where I’m unable to be outgoing at all.

Nikki has always been someone I admired and somewhat was scared of. She was always just completely herself, no reservations, no fear, not a care in the world about how others viewed her it seemed. I wanted to know what that was like, to just be myself 100%, and not give a damn as to how everyone else saw me, so I’d look at her and just think “how? How do you do it? How is it so easy for you? How could she ever want to be friends with someone who still struggled to make eye contact with people in the hall?”

I really wish we had hung out more, wish I had pulled my head out of my ass sooner. Instead of running away I should’ve tried to learn from her so I could’ve embraced myself sooner. But you know what, it’s alright, I’ve realized all of this now and I’m not afraid anymore. Yes, she’s still miles above me when it comes to self confidence but I’ll work my way up slowly and enjoy all the chances we have to hang out now.

Because of all the chaos, not only with the country but our home lives as well, we created a schedule for hangouts (so grown up, right?). So every other Sunday we’re going to be hanging out. This also goes along with something else we’ve planned.

Alright so one of the things Nikki and I have in common is that we’re both writers, and that we both love to read. Building on top of that we both are nerds and are part of some of the same fandoms, one of those being anime related (yes, I’ve descended to weebdom, don’t judge me!) and we’re both fans of My Hero Academia. So, being the nerds that we are, we read fanfictions (hence why I'm here on archive of our own, heheh oops), and Nikki just so happens to have a YouTube Channel where she reads these fanfictions with her friends. Soo..being her friend she asked if I was interested.

To which I said fuck yeah.

Not really but I did agree. I thought it was a neat idea and it sounded like fun. We’ve only done one video together but it was honestly such a blast. If you’re interested in watching I shall link it and Nikki’s channel down below. And her archive account, girl’s got some interesting works. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as I did while reading one of her crack fics, literally the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read, loved every second of it, please check it out, you will not be disappointed. {A/N: DISCLAIMER : this is not me saying this as her friend, this is my honest opinion as a reader, her shit is good!}

So other than all that, I’ve just continued the journey of working on me. I’m taking up writing again, aside from journaling. I’m in the process of rewriting one of the original works I’ve had (and never finished) since I was like 12. It’s probably one of the only books I’ve ever been this dedicated to, it’s gone through countless other rewrites and half baked ideas but I am determined to make it something that I’m proud of. I’ll make it a goal to clean it up enough to be ready to share so be on the lookout if/when I get to posting it on here. And who knows, maybe all of the other ideas I’ve had half baked in my memos app might make an appearance…

Guess you’ll have to see.

I think that’s all I’ve got for this one. There is something I’m holding out on for now, but it isn’t something I’m completely sure about yet so I don’t want to say anything for now. I’ll investigate this new lead and once I know what’s going on I’ll let you know. For now though I’m just keeping my eyes on the lookout for the next curve ball to hit me.

And to that curve ball I say...

Bring it, bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nikki's Fanfiction reads Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBSFIRZQxBaKawZpvKeRXRg
> 
> The fic Read Together: If I Only Had a Heart | A My Hero Academia Fan Fiction  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/13705821/chapters/31483173
> 
> The Video we did together:   
> *Not posted yet but check out the first chapter of the fic here which was read by just Nikki: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UASK_rcsfPs&t=1945s
> 
> Nikki's Archive Account: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NMFergus/pseuds/NMFergus


	8. Thursday, June 11th

Ah shit, here we go again.

Kudos to whoever gets that reference. 

Alright, I can honestly say that I’m not too mad for not writing something sooner but if I were to write a day to day thing it could either turn up to be a whole lot of nothing or..well I mean, I have enough thoughts in my head that I could probably make a book of so that might be a good idea (I’ll think about it, might actually help me get a schedule down on when to write). {A/N: trust me, I'm thinking about it, might end up with entries a lot shorter than this one though, can't decide if that's good or not. Let me know what you think}

Not too much has happened since my last chapter but just enough that an update is due. 

I’d say buckle in but nothing too exciting has happened, this is just MY life after all (this is the dollar store, how good can it be? Again another reference).

Update one has to do with how random and jumbled this is and it is this: I’ve decided to cut the actual journal part out of this journaling and just write directly on my laptop. Makes sense, right? Here’s why, through this journey of getting to know me, myself, and I, I started to recognize a familiar habit I have: Procrastination. So, whenever I would make a new entry I’d keep putting it off to the side when it came to typing it up and posting it, thoughts of “well I already wrote it down” and “I’ll get to it later” which is pretty much why I had to play some catch up when I first started all this.

But no longer!

As of now this is the director’s cut, the special edition behind the scenes, unedited versions of my thoughts. Well, not COMPLETELY unedited, I will still proofread and all that, but you get my drift. Right? Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I’m laying down? I knew that you could - slide me some skin, Soul Brother.

I will become best friends with whoever knows that last quote.

I’m also not ashamed to say that it is the second time that I’ve referenced it today. Or yesterday? It’s 12 A.M. as I’m writing this.

Anyway! Back on topic.

Update two, another Sunday has passed which means that I went over to Nikki’s again. She still hasn’t posted the last video we did but we still hung out and chilled which was just as nice. We had a writing session together and I read her the first chapter of my rewrite. I thought she had fallen asleep but she had said that she was just trying to picture the story. I was actually flattered by that, seeing how just my words were able to suck her into the world that I’d created. Then again, she did only have a few hours of sleep the night before so she might have just been tired…

But you know what, I’m fine with either. It’s still a nice thought that my book was able to bring her that feeling of comfort, especially since it's what I’d been going for, something peaceful and slow moving. 

Let’s see, what else did I do…

I helped clean her room later in the day. “Help” translating to “I went full on Gordan Ramsey on Adderall as my ocd took over as I berated her on how to take better care of her room and made her laugh so much that she puked.”

…

Needless to say it was very therapeutic. 

Who knew that roaring your head off for an hour left you feeling calm and relaxed afterwards. Truly remarkable, sign me up for my next appointment pleeaassee!

Not only did I get to release some pent up rage (that I didn’t even knew I had {A/N: well knew of but like didn’t want to touch with a 10 foot pole because Jesus Christ I can get scary, who knew so much rage could fit in such a small body…} but I also got to clean which is actually something I enjoy doing.

…

Yes! I know it’s weird! Moving on!

Update three, I actually did a summer thing with friends for once! Some friends and I from work had been tossing the idea around of getting together at our coworker’s house when it warmed up since he has a pool (the joke was always “Greg we’re going to throw a pool party at your house...oh also you’re not invited.” Yes it sounds mean but trust me, we all have roast humor so it was all in good fun, and Greg found it funny too, so all good!)

Well low and behold, temperatures reached, what like 80 degrees? Pool time! It was really nice to get out of the house for something other than work. And, alright sad part kinda, it was nice to feel normal for once, to have friends and do this sort of thing with. Two get togethers in one week, high school me is fucking shook, my dude.

In all honesty, I kinda wish I had the mindset I have now when I was in high school. My new mind set is that the things I’m afraid to do, I’m going to do them. Things like asking friends if they want to hang out, wearing summer clothes during summer! 

I had a really bad habit of wearing jeans and hoodies even when the weather reached ridiculous temperatures which isn’t really that bad except that I mostly wore them because I rarely left the house. I’ve also just come to the realization that a lot of my clothes were in ridiculously large sizes as well. It’s kind of hard to admit that seeing as how, you know, normal people would’ve realized these things much sooner while it’s taken me nearly 20 years to find out that I never wanted to bug people more than I had to. “Bug” translating to “hey these hand-me-downs are in large/extra large and I wear a petite/small but hey I don’t want you to have to worry about me or for us to go out and buy clothes when we don’t have money and I don’t want to hurt the feelings of whoever gave these to me by giving them away so I’ll accept them and thus feed this unhealthy mindset that I should never show my knees or shoulders because I’m so self conscious about them.” 

God, I’m sorry. That went dark real fast. But it’s true nonetheless.

But things are changing.

I’ve gone through my clothes, donated a lot of the things I know I’ll never fit into, and I’m wearing what I want to wear. I’ve always had the desire to wear cute things like skirts and dresses but always figured that they weren’t really me or that people would think that it didn’t suit me. Well, forget those thoughts of what I think others think. Only my thoughts matter, and my thoughts want me to dress cute. So ha!

It might sound silly, but it was a pretty big step for me. I finally feel like I’m taking control of my life and what I want and that’s why I wish I could’ve realized I could sooner. But it’s alright, because I’m doing it now. I’m doing you proud, high school me, look at the person we’re becoming. 

Wow, I went a little off topic there but hey I’m circling back around. Anyway, so all together there were six of us: Greg, Rob, Nicole, Jade, Luke, and me.

Jade and Greg I met when I started at my job. I was always intimidated by Jade since she’s really pretty and always seemed to know what to do. And my brian was all like “uh oh, you didn’t know something in front of her, she’s going to hate you.” But in the end we turned out to be like the same person. She also has anxiety and took my nervousness around her to mean that I didn’t like her. Once we cleared that up we were peas and carrots. It’s pretty awesome having her as a friend, she’s like Nikki in the fact that she’s also really confident and I really look up to her.

And of course, a few weeks into our newfound friendship she got a new job. Which was a little sad, but we stayed in touch so hurray!

Because of the lock-down and such we really hadn’t seen each other at all so it was great to finally hang out again. I’ve missed her! 

Greg? Eh, I see every day. Kidding! He’s pretty cool too, he’s one of the oldest on our team but he’s just as nerdy and messed up mentally as we are so he fits in great.

If you’ve been keeping up then you know what’s up with Rob and Nicole. We’ve honestly been on good terms, and hanging out with them was fun as well. Especially since Rob is basically the iron giant and was able to yeet everyone in the pool. That was pretty fun too, not gonna lie.

And last but not least, Luke.

Luke is relatively new to the team. He was hired before things got too “virusy,” he’s only been with us for a few months but he and I get along pretty great.

Alright, sooo, you know the thing I was holding out on in my last entry?

Yeah…

...HE’s the something.

God, I swear. 

Alright, so. Explanation I guess??

So when Luke was hired, his first two weeks I wasn’t actually able to meet him. My sister got a fever but wasn’t in the risk range so her doctor had put us on self isolation for two weeks as just a precaution so I only got to meet him when I got back. 

Naturally, he was curious when I returned because he’d heard about me from our coworkers. I honestly think that’s all it was (maybe?) just a “oh hey, you’re the person I’ve heard about, neat” type deal. I had also just had my hair dyed pink (professionally, mind you, I’ve seen enough at home jobs to know better) so yes in retrospect I was probably a little interesting. 

Again, things are busy at work so odds are of working with anyone else are slim depending on what you’re doing so we didn’t see each other much other than when we unloaded the truck, which he has also been assigned to throw now, so even that time has been cut.

So what little of him I saw, you know, he was a fairly nice dude and a good worker so yeah I thought he was alright in my book.

It was one night when we were working in the automotive section together that our bro-hood was formed. There were three of us, Luke, me, and our temp, Rob/Robert (who I call Robbie so I don’t confuse him with other Rob). It was the end of the night and we were fried, bumbling about like where the fuck does this shit go and what am I even stocking right now? Luke had made a joke that each of us only had one working brain cell and (being as tired as he was) said that all three of us together made 6 brain cells.

Robbie and I started cracking up cuz that math though! And from then we were the brain cell group.

We had had enough laughs that night and bonding moments that we all traded socials so we could talk outside of work.

And that is how we became occasional texting buddies.This was still around the time that Zab worked with us too, so while I acknowledged that Luke was cute I didn’t really think much of anything else about him other than he was funny and cool to talk to.

And so, pool party day is rolling close. Jade had said that the more of us there were the merrier. It would’ve been a little awkward if it had just been her, me, and Greg, which is part of the reason why I invited Nicole and Rob (that and I didn’t want them finding out we had all hung out and that they weren’t invited. That would’ve started something that I really don’t want to start. But everything turned out fine so I’m glad I did.)

So, being the awkward bean that I am, on lunch the day before the pool party, I created a group chat with Robbie, Luke, and ANOTHER coworker, Sam (he’s my little buddy too. I say “little” loosely because while he may be younger than me he still towers over me….Dick).

I struggle to do these types of things in person and one-on-one sooo...group chat it was! Robbie and Sam said they couldn’t make it but Luke had a clear schedule so he was in. Hurray, the more the merrier!

Alright, so before we go further I wanna backtrack a bit (as is my habit it seems). I’ve had a lot of time to think and self analyze and I’m pretty sure I know what happened to me during the whole “Zab situation.” Looking back, it was a lot like my only other experience that could somewhat be seen as romantic, and that experience was this:

My junior year of high school a mutual friend of Nicole and I, Alex, came to her and told her he planned to take me to the military ball (basically like prom but for those who joined the ROTC at our school). Apparently he had started to like me and wanted advice from my best friend as to go about it.

...And being my best friend and knowing I would have freaked if I’d been caught off guard, she gave me a heads up.

So for like a week I had been stewing in anticipation. With the knowledge that somehow someone liked me I began thinking of the possibility of us dating and doing couple things. I had thought that he was an alright dude before but after finding out he liked me I started to find him cute and looked forward to whatever was happening to our friendship. 

The time came around when he asked me to go, tacking on a “as friends” at the end, either for his sake or mine I’m not sure. And I said, yes, as calmly and cooly as I could while having an inner freakout. Afterwards he walked me to class and I messaged the news to Nicole who said that Alex was doing the same but that he seemed upset by the fact that I had said yes only after he said “as friends.”

Okay, first of all, he hadn’t asked it any other way. I could see him setting up to ask me and had a “yes!” sitting at the tip of my tongue just waiting for him to ask but before I could he had already rushed out the “as friends” bit. And being the mess that I was, I couldn’t have said “why don’t we do it as not friends” so I said yes to his terms thinking you know it’s a date either way.

I figured if anything we’d pull our heads out of asses later, you know. The days coming up to the ball were bright and jittery. He would walk me home, to class, we’d chat and laugh like we usually did but we always just flittered at the edge of something ELSE happening. But other than him grabbing my hand to help me walk over something (only one time, mind you), nothing else had changed. The air though felt electrified and I waited excitedly for that SOMETHING to happen, that something to change between us. 

The ball rolls around and we have a “ball” (heh, get it?). It’s kind of funny though, I’ve always figured I was probably the most awkward person I knew, but compared to Alex and our mutual friend who was also there, Emily, seeing them so stiff and uncomfortable, my brain went “awh hell nah, that’s not happening,” and my outgoing came out to play. I got them to loosen up and have fun and it was pretty great. 

Alex and I slow danced, well kind of, he’s either 6 foot or pretty close to it, so compared to my 5 feet...I had to wrap my arms around his waist and we kind of just swayed. But like so was everyone else cause no one knows how to actually slow dance in high school. 

It was nice and I felt the happiest I’d been in a while. And then the DJ had to give us whip lash and play some really loud dance tune to shatter the moment. Classic, thanks man, the Whip It Nae Nae should ALWAYS come after Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud. 

So the fun continued. Later as another slow song came on, Alex asked me if it was alright that he dance with Emily since she didn’t have a date and I was completely fine with that. Emily was nice and deserved to make some memories too. I must have also been on a confidence high (strange for me really) so when some random guy came over and asked me to dance with him I said yes and we did. 

The night had gone great, and I had a blast. But all good things must come to an end. On the way home I told him I had a fun time and that as my only ever date/prom-like experience, that I had a good time. 

He seemed nervous as he walked me to my door, but it was alright cause I was too. Nothing happened though. We said good night and parted ways. But I was fine with that because holy shit I’d just gone on a date and survived, who even was I?

And after everything, when things went back to normal and we hung out at school like we usually did? Nothing. We just went back to that, “let’s wait and see what happens” stage.

It’s not like I expected us to jump into a relationship immediately, but...it was hard not to expect something, you know. He liked me, I was sure I liked him, so like, what were we waiting for?

We still hung out a lot, still texted too, and things stayed the same for a while. We sat content on the edge of “what-if.” I think I expected him to make the first move and I think he was also waiting for a sign from me, even though I was sure I was being obvious with my “feelings” for him. I use quotes because as excited as I was to be liked and to maybe join the dating scene, I think in the end I was more into the fact that I was likeable in that way. I liked the thought that he liked me more than I actually liked him? If that makes any sense. I hope it does. 

It took me a minute to notice it, but little by little he started to hang out with me less. I had messaged Nicole a lot during this, for answers on what I SHOULD be doing since she’s actually had dating experience. Turns out Alex had been too and he let her know that while he “liked” me, he didn’t want things to be weird if anything bad ever happened if we started dating. And so, after that he started to see me less and I saw him with Emily more.

It was weird. Part of me understood and accepted it while the other half was torn. Like, what did I do wrong? 

In the end I came to the realization that I probably never liked him in that way anyway and the rest is history. We’re still friends and we still chat sometimes, but I haven’t felt anything like I did when I thought he liked me.

Alright, so. Why did you need to know all that? Well, because of this. With Zab, it was fucking nothing BUT butterflies while with Alex it had been butterflies but also a sense of comfort since I knew him and we already had an established friendship. My sister says that I’m a unicorn in the sense that I’m the type of girl who can befriend guys and be like one of the bro’s. Which has kinda always been the case. 

Maybe it’s because I have an older brother, or maybe it’s because I’m a video game nerd, I don’t know, I’ve always just been the type of person who could get along with anyone soo yeah, I’ve always had a few guy friends. I never thought anything of it though. 

Other than Alex nothing ever came of these bro-ships I had. Until recently…

I think most of it has to do with the fact that I’ve been working on my self confidence and had made the decision to just love me (before the whole “Zab debacle”) but a few of my coworkers, who I just saw as friends, had admitted to having feelings for me. One going so far as to ask me out on a date on Valentines Day. Which is...okay I know I may be oblivious and don’t pick up on a lot of social cues but it is absolutely bizarre to have someone you think of as a friend ask you if you want to go out with them. 

In their defense, yes, normal people would do that: meet, become friends, and then lead up to possibly dating. And I am not saying that I’m some fucking catch, if anything I am the equivilant of a potato, so...imagine my confusion when all of sudden, in the midst of me loving myself, everyone else, MY BROS, are trying to pursue something.

And while others might have been flattered, I honestly felt...horrible. Like it was somehow my fault. I started to analyze everything, trying to find out if I had somehow led them on or did something to make them think I had been interested. But...nothing. I had just been my usual self. And again you know, normal people would think that dating was the next step, but I hadn’t been interested let alone open to the idea since I had still been working on myself. 

My brain thought of the worst case scenario, still thinks it sometimes, that maybe they think I’m playing with them or that they think because I was nice to them that they think I had wanted something more. None of these things has been said to me, I don’t know what they actually think though, but we still get along well enough which I appreciate. Though I still feel bad sometimes.

Well anyway, with Zab, I was rarely ever able to be a “bro” to him. I was always just so nervous and overwhelmed. And I think that my brain took that to think I liked him. But the thing is...if I was never really that comfortable around him to begin with...did I actually like him? 

I mean, yes, with the person you like there will always be that excitement when seeing them, but I feel like there should also be a time when, you know, you DON’T feel like a mess in their presence. 

My whole life, my version of finding love is feeling romantically for someone,yes, but also have that person be like your best friend. My greatest example of this would have to be my sister and her husband. Their relationship is the exact representation of what I want from a future love partner, someone to love but also someone to laze around with and just enjoy each other’s presence. 

I don’t know. Something like that. Sorry to get all sappy, but I’m nothing if not a romantic at heart.

So with Zab, I was never able to feel that. I was always just so intimidated by him, scared of messing up around him. I’ve always been kind of in tune with people so my sister suggested that maybe the butterflies had been more of a warning than anything else, and with him being so cute, that I just misinterpreted the message. 

I can honestly say though that these Zab-free days have allowed me to think (which is equal parts good and bad depending on the day). I swear I’m like one of those cartoon scenes, you know the ones where they have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Well instead of the angel telling me to do what’s right and the devil trying to make me do wrong it’s more like the devil in me makes me feel bad about myself while the angel tries to go easy on me. It’s like a constant argument within my own head sometimes on whether or not I should be beating myself up over something or not. It’s kind of exhausting if I’m being honest. 

So there’s been a lot of that, but that’s not really any different than how I was before, I’ve always kind of done it. Recently though it’s more like the devil tries to make me feel unwanted and disgusting since the people I’ve “liked” never seem to like me back. 

Then again, I think that the more I learn about him and the longer that he’s been gone, I’m more sold on the fact that I dodged a bullet. Not only just the drama of him being taken but also because he seems very much like he would have been too much for me to handle as my first dating experience anyway. I mean, I’m all for people having their own...hobbies?....Kinks? Like, you go ahead, you be you boo, and I don’t at all shame people for the sex drives, some people are just more comfortable with that kind of stuff and that’s fine. They’re not hurting anyone, they’re just living their best life, and I fully support that.

But I know that for me I’m not very comfortable with that. So being WITH someone like that...not gonna lie, it probably would’ve ended horribly anyway. 

So I’ve come to the same conclusion with Zab that I did with Alex. I think for the most part my feelings had been greatly exaggerated and I was more excited of the “could be” than the actual person themselves. 

Which brings us to my latest predicament...Luke.

Honestly...I don’t know. I hardly know anything anymore.

We’ve become really good friends, and I have that comfortable feeling with him that just comes from us being bros but…

I just don’t want to jump down the “I have feelings” hole again and end up looking stupid. Again. And AGAIN, I’m split both ways. One half is saying that I’m probably still bummed out from not having a boyfriend and am just trying to seek out that little something to look forward to. While the other half thinks, hey maybe texting the guy three days in a row, from early in the morning to late at night and having him be as curious about me as he is and him seeking me out when he doesn’t have to, and me climbing him like a spider monkey at the pool party in nothing but a bikini because he was holding my goggles over his head so that I couldn’t reach them….Might not be what “just bros”...do? 

I don’t know. 

I never know.

You know, before I had said that I wish I could read people’s minds so that I know what they’re thinking. I still wish I could, but I also wish I could understand ME too. 

Is this easy for other people? Do they just...know what they’re feeling and how to act on them? Do I like him? Do I just like him as a bro? Do I want him to like me in that way? Am I just using him as an emotional rebound (I really hope not because I honestly would be disgusted with myself if I was)?

I just...I don’t know anymore. And all these questions are going through my head during every interaction I have with him. 

All I know is that every notification from him sends excitement through me and that I look forward to running into him at work. That and I’m looking forward to seeing him outside of work again at Jade’s on Wednesday.

It’s just...ahhhh! I don’t know! What I do know though is that I don’t want to end up wrong again. And I really, really want to be right in thinking that I’m not imagining things.

{A/N: ...you know, when I started this, the whole dealing with romance problem had been only ONE of the points that I wanted to talk about, not the WHOLE purpose for this project. But I guess dealing with this stuff is part of growing up, and boy do I have a lot of that to catch up on.}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual Representation of me when cleaning Nikki’s room: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBwELzvnrQg


	9. Wedneday, June 17th - 20th

Hello, again. How are you doing? I hope you’re doing well.

As for me, I’m doing alright. I’ve made a decision, as you’ve probably noticed I haven’t been making entries every day and here is why; as I’ve said before I have a busy home-life so while writing in the morning IS an option, it’s not always ideal. I’ve tossed around the idea of writing at work on my lunch break but...I don’t think I’d want to explain what I’m doing…

Or have anyone I know read this…

I could write at night but more often than not when I get home all I do is get ready for bed and pass out, sometimes I’ll hang out with my sister for a bit, but never for long since we both have exhausting days. That and most nights, if she isn’t the one picking me up, she’s already asleep by the time I get home. 

So, while I would like to write everyday, it’s not always an option. A lot happens in a day that I may forget so I could maybe compile little events throughout a week and maybe make a multi entry chapter? That might be pretty neat. 

I’ll keep that one in mind, as for now though I’m holding myself accountable to make at least one entry per week so that I don’t get too far behind or forget anything important.

I’m going to try not to be too hard on myself about it though because even though this DOES help and it’s healthy for me to take a step back and review the crazy in my own head, sometimes I end up digging too far and I bring up things that leave me a little less than fine. I’m not going to tiptoe around it, my past is fucked, my old mindset and occasional thoughts are as well, so sometimes talking about it brings back the trauma as well. I’m not ignorant enough to believe that the damage will just magically disappear, I’ll likely deal with it for the rest of my life, so I’m not going to drop this journaling. But if there comes a time when I mentally need a break I won’t force myself to meet my deadline and end up making this something I dread. 

I’m going to be doing whatever I can to not make this something that I’d rather not do, so no matter how embarrassing or dark my struggles are I’m still going to keep at it because I know that it’s good for me to be doing this.

Alright, now, with that out of the way…

Here comes the tea, sis.

Not really, again, nothing really outrageous has happened but there have been a few moments this week that I’d like to review. 

Topic One: Nicole and Rob.

Okay, so...where to begin. First off, I almost regret inviting them to the Pool Party™, not because they were bad to hang out with, no, it was the two days after it that they were unbearable. The day after they both just so happened to call in. “Why,?” you ask. Because they were sunburnt. 

Now, there being six of us, and all of us being reasonably responsible adults, we all forgot the most important thing about summer in light of the beautiful chlorine heaven known as Greg’s pool. And that was sunscreen. 

So needless to say the next day we were all a beautiful lobster red and were understandably suffering. This is what happens when gaming nerds actually end up spending time outdoors. Jade actually got the worst of it with third degree burns on her face, which is unsurprising with how fair skinned she is.

But like adults we handled it like champs, got our burnt asses out of bed and to work like we were supposed to. Except for those two.

And this hasn’t even been the first time. The last few weeks it’s been the same thing; one would have the day off and the other would just so happen to call in. Coincidence? I think not. Like I get wanting to spend time together but would it kill them to just get their schedules readjusted so that the rest of us aren’t stuck with their workload? It’s been hard enough in the store as it is. We really don’t need the extra pressure of having to pull someone else’s weight when they were expected to be there.

The other times it had happened had been irritating but this one took the cake, not only with the large truck we could have used the extra hands on but they called in for something that the rest of us were able to deal with. Yes, sunburns suck, no you’re not bedridden when you have one, and definitely not them seeing as they had come in the next day just fine.

Only to leave halfway through their shift, leaving us their work and putting us behind schedule. And they even had the gall to walk around and shop after leaving us too, like who the fuck do you think you are?

What really pisses me off, more than the fact that they milked the shit out of everything, was that they used my invite to them as a means to ditch work. Guess who’s not getting an invite from me next time, you lazy assholes.

Knowing Nicole as long as I have, this wasn’t really surprising of her to do. Rob wasn’t a surprise either seeing both of their work habits are very similar, but I swear that them getting together has just made the both of them worse, like they both feed each other this bad habit of not giving a shit about other people. They half ass everything and then have the nerve to blame it on other people or get upset with them when they’re not performing well.

Now, with the habit of them ditching us more than once, it’s like I’m always on the lookout for when one of them will do it again.

Yesterday, for instance, we had a small truck and finished it early, so management sent us out to collect carts. Which. Was. Awesome.

(Are you hearing the sarcasm? Because oh hell yeah there’s sarcasm)

Worst 30 minutes of my life, not even exaggerating. It was unbearable how hot it was outside, and pushing heavy ass carts while cars zoomed every which way...at one point I wanted to cry because I was across the way from where the carts get loaded inside stuck letting cars pass for like five minutes until they stopped coming and a coworker helped me push them in because they were too heavy for me to turn. And not only did we have to work in the ridiculous heat, pushing these heavy loads, all while dodging cars, we also had to wear our masks. And I had thought I’d been close to suffocation before.

So, when break-time rolled around I just about ran inside to the world of AC to get a water bottle. I would have too if I had been able to feel my legs and actually catch my breath.

It was as I was walking in that I saw Rob and Nicole heading away from the registers with bags. And that’s when it hit me that I hadn’t seen either of them outside. Now...this could mean a few things: one, they didn’t hear the lady as she told us to focus on carts on the grocery side and they instead worked on the general merchandise side and I just didn’t see them. Two, they just headed in to break a little earlier than we did. Or three, which I really didn’t want to consider...they didn’t help us out at all.

The reason I think this is because not only have they proven to be unreliable before, but Rob even whined about it since he had to do it “by himself” the day before and seemed less than happy to be doing it again. Which none of us were but there was no need to be a baby about it.

So all day I went back and forth on whether or not I should say something, something along the lines of “hey, where were you guys”, “did you get called off to do something else”, “I didn’t see you out there.” Because as likely as it is that they left us, it’s just as possible that they did help and just went in early and I’m just being crazy. Just the thought of them pulling something though had anger bubbling up inside of me at different times and I had to pretend that I wasn’t pissed at them. 

I felt like I was losing my mind, stuck replaying earlier that day, checking and double checking in my brain whether or not I’d seen them out there with us. It got so bad that near the end of us doing pets, they left me to do the totes while they did fuck-all in pharmacy, that I snapped and ended up messaging Derek.

{A/N: can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned him, he’s another coworker of mine and we ended up becoming pretty close after Nicole put me through the torture of us sharing a room, he became my confidant after being repeatedly shit on by Nicole and brushed off by Rob and Greg, he’s probably one of the only real ones left on the team that I can talk to and not receive any judgement because he GETS IT!}

So I messaged him and asked if he had seen the two out with us when we pulled carts and he admitted to not seeing them, but, like me, said it could have been because they worked on the other side. He also said not to say anything in case I ended up being wrong, which I had figured anyway and told him I knew and that if they DID pull something, then karma would be coming for them soon, and I’d be glad to sit back and watch.

And even though I didn’t get an answer from him, it did help to finally say something to someone, even getting it out of my head and sharing it had been enough to stop it from driving me mad. 

And with that I finished up the totes and moved on to the next area I was scheduled...Pharmacy.

I love my workplace, I do, but I swear...STOP PARTNERING ME UP WITH PEOPLE WHO IRRITATE ME!! 

For the most part, things went alright

I was still upset with them but I am nothing if not patient and I’m able to deal with them pretty well by now. And like I said, there’s no way they’d get away with slacking if they had done it, so that was reassuring. 

Things ended up going down hill while we were in the vitamin aisle though. Someone had made a joke about the Flintstones vitamins and how they never had any as a kid or something and Nicole had said that she had been privileged enough if she got the great value kind when she grew up. And Rob, this ignorant. Fucking. Douchebag says, “Privilege? Like ‘white privilege’? We’re white so we get ‘white privilege’?”

And I swear, it took me. Every. Fiber. Of my being not to go off on this asshole. 

Sorry but not sorry to get political. I’m firm in my beliefs and I’m going to say my shit. Not only do I have a mixed niece, I also just believe in being a decent fucking human being. So yes, bitch, you’re white? Yes, you have white privilege. White privilege DOES NOT mean that you have lived an easy life or have had life handed to you one a silver platter, plenty of white people have hard lives. White privilege DOES mean though that your life has not been made HARDER BECAUSE OF YOUR SKIN COLOR. 

Anyone who doesn’t think the same who is reading this kindly see yourself off my page, thank you very much. 

So not only did this just make me hate Rob even more than I thought I did, he had to go and repeat the “joke” a few more times. Like yes we can hear you, you fucking dumbass, we’re saying nothing because we can’t believe the blatantly idiotic shit that just came out of you fucking flapping gob. So after the third or fourth time he says it again, I ended up shooting him a look, and I swear if looks could kill he’d be dead within the second. I didn’t even need to say anything and he ended up shutting his mouth after that. 

But to have the fucking nerve to say that he doesn’t have white privilege. Like bitch, that’s white privilege right there. 

So yeah, my already low view of him has dropped to exactly nothing. He is literally the scum on the bottom of my shoe at this point and I don’t care or feel bad about it. Why would I? He obviously doesn't. And the fact that Nicole is with him...what the fuck does that say about her? To give her credit, she did try to explain to him that yes, he does have white privilege, but the way she spoke to him was as if she was speaking to a kid. Like he is a grown ass man, he knows better, he just chooses not to see what’s in front of his fucking face.

Sorry not sorry. I had to get that out. 

{A/N: small confession, my mom ended up coming over to hang out so I’m continuing this tonight, Thursday, June 18th. Not really that big of a deal but I guess I just have more to talk about and I’ve had a bit to think about some things. Not anything having to do with Rob, still pissed at him, but on other things}

Anyway, Topic Two: the gym.

As of Tuesday, the 16th, my sister and I are back to going to the gym. Our first day back was supposed to be Monday but there had been some confusion with our trainers and none of them actually showed up to run the class. But that was okay, my sister and I were just proud that we had been able to wake up early again (we have started to go to the 5:30 classes, before the kids wake up, the classes only run 45 minutes so when we get back we usually go back to bed until around 8 or 9, depends on when the kiddos finally join the land of the living). 

We’ve decided not to go as crazy as we did before, me especially, my job is physically taxing enough so with going to the gym 6 days of the week, it had been like one workout on top of another. Needless to say my body was sore like 100% of the time. So when I told my sister I planned to cut it down to 4 days a week, she agreed that it was more reasonable and decided to do the same. I’m kind of glad for it because we both admitted to having been pushing ourselves too hard in the first place and we really don’t want to do that this time around.

I’m also really glad to be going back to the gym. Not only because I miss having a firm butt but I also miss the confidence that came with it. {A/N: that came with the GYM, not my butt!

...well, maybe a bit of both…}

Yes, it’s tiring and brutal, but the people and the trainers are all so supportive and motivational that I love every second that I’m there. Even when my legs scream at me afterwards as I use the stairs or my arms shake when I push a heavy cart, I know it’ll all be worth it to feel comfortable in my own skin and to take control of my health. That and I hope to be, not AS scary as our female trainers (legit don’t think it’s possible, they could probably break even full grown, iron giant Rob over their knee like a toothpick {A/N: isn’t that some nice imagery :) }, but close to it so that if I’m ever in a situation where I am not safe and alone, hopefully I’ll be able to defend myself or get away safely. That or look fit enough that anyone with ill will wouldn’t bother coming after me because bitch I do Crossfit, don’t fuck with me! 

Because of recent events though, I’d be lying if I said my self confidence hasn’t taken a swan dive right down into the depths of every dark thought I harbor about myself. It’s weird though because my confidence is still there but at times it just seems easier to take down, but not harder to build back up. If anything it takes a little longer, and sometimes it takes me having to shed some tears to shake off the funk, I just find it funny how lately the more confident I feel the easier it seems to topple.

If it’s easy to topple then was it ever really confidence…?

{A/N: I still think so. The recovery times vary but I’m still able to bounce back, I’m realistic enough to know that even confident people can’t be confident 100% of the time...it just seems weird to me how I bounce back and forth. Is that normal? I hope it is.}

Maybe it is, but it’s just gotten weaker because of everything that it’s been through. Throughout the whole situation of how stupid I was about Zab, I think that I put off loving myself as I only thought of liking him. Which is sooo wrong! I can like someone but still love myself at the same time, it shouldn’t be one or the other. I didn’t realize this until now actually (that I put a pause on my self improvement, not the other thing) since even in the midst of my “feelings” for him I still got myself ready just the same as I always did, but I think I was doing it more-so for HIM than for me and I tricked myself into thinking that that wasn’t the case.

That’s got to be the one thing I hate about myself when it comes to people that I like (romantically or otherwise), my thoughts always veer towards ME whenever I think of THEM. I’ve mentioned before that I play out scenarios in my head, things like if this person says this to me then I will say this, or if we’re in this situation what will their reactions be and it’s this then this! I’ll hear them from a distance speaking quietly and my first thought will be “are they talking about me? Is it good or bad whatever it is about me that they’re talking about?” 

I don’t know why, but everything they do becomes about me in my head. 

{A/N: I once heard about someone comparing anxiety to narcissism and while I don’t any of that is true, sometimes I can see where that thought would come from?? The only difference being narcissistic people are full of themselves while with anxiety, sometimes it’s all “me, me, me” in my head, it’s more along the lines of, “Am I annoying? Do people hate me? Did I say something wrong?” So it is focused on yourself but more on the negative side of things than thinking that we’re “all that.”}

I’m not sure if this is how it is for other people, it might be for all I know, but I think in my case it’s...not bad, but out of hand? Worrisome? I fall so easily into these scenarios, these little daydreams, and it happens entirely too often in my opinion. But the more I try to put a lid on it, the more my imagination explodes. I think at times it’s a little unhealthy. Instead of playing out these parts and guessing their reactions, maybe I should try these things in reality too. I try to keep it at a normal amount though.Which is...difficult to say the least. I know it’s alright to imagine things sometimes, and play out things I would LIKE to happen, but it’s a constant battle with myself to make sure I don’t get TOO consumed by something so far from my actual reality.

I’ve always had a fear that maybe I’d react to someone depending on how they were or what they did in my own head but that hasn’t happened. Yet, at least.

I kinda went a little off topic. Sorry, this is really all just thoughts typed out, literally transcribing my thoughts on the screen in real time so I’m not really surprised that it turns and twists in every direction but I’m sorry if this comes out rambley and without a point.

Well anyway, I’m happy to be able to get back on track when it comes to improving on myself and I guess those are some of the things I’m going to be trying to work on as well. Also, I am going to try not to be so hard on myself when it comes to my daydreams when it pertains to a certain someone and the feelings I have for them. One of you actually told me this, during the whole Zab mess, but still. They said that I shouldn’t feel too bad and that I’m allowed to enjoy it, so that’s what I’m going to be doing. Thanks again for your advice, it’s really helped.

And that leads to my next point.

Topic Three: Luke.

I’m not...entirely sure where to begin. I know it might seem a little horrible that I’m hopping from boy to boy, and I swear I am NOT usually so...I don’t know, boy crazy? Then again, I don’t know why I feel the need to defend myself, it’s not like Zab and I were actually a “thing,” I don’t need to remain so loyal to a stupid crush I had...but I feel like...ahh I don’t know!

I was like this during that whole mess too. My sister would make jokes when she saw Luke  
when she’d come pick me up, she’d tease me and say things like, “hey if things don’t work out with Zab, then that guy is pretty cute.” She also knew that him and I were friends and that we’d text every now and then (she’d tease me about that too, to which I would respond with “he’s just a friend, stop making it weird”). 

Huh. Maybe she knew something I wasn’t willing to realize. 

I’m half and half again: one half is saying that I’m allowed my feelings and I can like whoever I like and that I don’t need to feel bad for liking someone else so soon after Zab while the other half feels guilty for some reason. Why? I have no idea! 

God, if I could stop arguing with myself for ten seconds, maybe I’d actually get some peace of mind and be able to find out WHAT my feelings are.

But no, I’m just a mess.

It’s just...weird. In a way, it’s like when I liked Zab, the thrill and the excitement are there, but there’s also a confidence that I never had with Zab. With Luke I’m able to speak to him, to laugh and joke and actually look him in the face and wave when we pass by each other. But there’s also that issue with my confidence that I mentioned before. It’ll be there, it’ll be sturdy, and then all of a sudden be dust in the wind. But just as suddenly will be back some time later, intact as it was before like nothing happened.

The instances in which they happen are all kind of similar. Sometimes my thoughts will just turn to, “what if this isn’t anything else other than us just being friends? What if he isn’t interested in me?” either after a conversation with him or in the middle.

Sometimes I’m torn up by it, thinking that no one will want me, and sometimes I’ll get a bittersweet feeling and think “hey at least we can still be friends.”

I mean, there is a possibility that I may be misreading his intentions, but you would too if you saw the way his eyes kept glancing at me when we got ice cream after hanging out in the pool. I had been wearing shorts and a thin, flowy tank top over my bikini, completely different than my work attire (skinny jeans and baggy t-shirts, not to mention our work vests which hide every curve you could possibly have). Anyway, I could’ve sworn he even smiled when we made eye contact when I caught him staring.

Then again, maybe he just thought I looked funny!

Gah! I wish I could read minds!!!

That and the whole messaging thing, we’re currently on an 8 day {A/N: now 11...I’m a little behind with this entry…} streak, and we just chat about everything and anything. So I at least know that he likes to talk to me, he wouldn’t bother to message me if he didn’t. And lately now that I’ve also been the one to reach out first (not always, but sometimes) we talk a lot more now.

But...maybe he does this with his other female friends too? 

And okay, one thing I wanna cover first: this is NOT me saying I don’t want him to have other female friends. I’m not a controlling asshole. 

I also want to say that of the one female friend I know he has, while I may be intimidated because she’s really pretty, I’m not bashing her. She is a really nice person from what I’ve seen and heard. She works with us too but as a cashier. I haven’t actually had the chance to meet her yet, but I’ve seen her around.

Before Luke and I had gotten closer he had mentioned her, I’m not sure what it was about, I think it was just the fun fact that the woman who hired us (Summer) is best friends with his friend’s (Kendall’s) mom, and that Kendall is also his neighbor, so he’d seen Summer before {A/N: Luke must have had the easiest time getting hired now that I think about it. The bitch had connections!} . And I think at the time I had thought, huh neat, small world.

Which where I live...it's an even smaller world than you think. 

Another time he mentioned her had been when he had invited me on my day off to go to her barbecue, which sounded like fun but my family had plans that day so I had to decline. Which probably wouldn’t have been good anyway because, well I’m vegan.

…

Surprise!

Anyway, that’s also another thought that fuels my “he likes me at least somewhat” fantasy. Would he have bothered to invite me otherwise?

Then again. Could. Just. Be. A. FRIENDS. Thing! So knock it off, brain.

One of the times my confidence plummeted though was when I first saw her. She came into the break room and they just started chatting and I sat there and all of a sudden thought “...I can’t fucking compete with that. If he even does like me, if she ever developed feelings and let him know then he’d forget all about me.” And god did that hurt to think about. Again though, she’s a lovely person and I’m glad they’re friends, but it also feels like a word from her and this fantasy could be shattered before it’s even fully formed.

A similar instance happened with Jade as well. She had been driving me home from the pool party when all of a sudden she asked the forbidden question (this being even before I had fully realized my somewhat developing feelings), “do you like Luke?”

Not knowing how to answer I had questioned back, “why? Do you?”

But she just laughed and said, “Moriah, I have a boyfriend. But that just answered my question.” 

And that was when I realized that fuck, she was right. But then Jade being Jade, I wasn’t able to process because next she asked me for his contact info. When I asked why she wanted it, she said it was because she thought he was cute.

And I just….

Huh??? You said you have a boyfriend?? What does this mean? I am...confusion?

Moriah.exe. stopped responding and yet I still added him from her profile in my daze. But that was when my thoughts spiraled to, “well fuck, if he ends up liking Jade, then its all over.”

And I know! I know that type of thinking is terrible, and toxic, and just self destructive. But they are thoughts that come to me sometimes and I’m ashamed to say that they scare me a little.

But again, as my confidence is torn to nothing, it comes back and I’m fine again. And that’s the weirdest thing. I’ve gone back and forth between the two before, but the rate at which they fluctuate and the triggers that make it so are completely different than anything I’ve ever dealt with.

That and this confidence of mine, when it’s at it’s best, almost scares the more timid side of me when it comes out to play. The slight hesitation I get before sending a text that (if you squint) could come off flirty, being shoved out of the way so that it only lasts a moment rather than minutes (leading to the eventual backspace and rewrite) to be replaced with “fuck it, let’s see what happens.”

And it’s not even just through a device that it comes out, it comes out when I’m around him too. And I’ve had experience with these kinds of moments before, with Alex for example, but I have to say the texting ones were always slightly more confident, but never before have I dealt with these spur of the moment “let’s take charge feelings” to this degree.

Oh my god, for example! Just the other night we had been working in HBA, health beauty and whatever the A stands for, and Luke had said something about his knees hurting from checking out the lower shelves and in my head I figured “hey I’m short, I’ll deal with the lower shelves. Luke is tall so he can deal with the higher ones,” but what came out was, “Hey let’s teamwork this out, you do top and I’ll do bottom.”

And…

I didn’t even regret it. I’m surprised by it now. But like, holy shit that had been smooth!

Well it would have been if I had actually been trying to throw out a line, in reality I had just worded that very, VERY wrong. But after the words came out of my mouth and I processed them, instead of dying in embarrassment, I actually found it a little funny.

What’s even funnier though is when Luke said that sounded a little odd and I had pretended to not know what he meant, “huh? How? What was weird about it?”

He probably thinks I’m too innocent to know the innuendo that slipped out of my mouth. Here’s hoping he didn’t hear the tiny laugh that I was unable to keep fully inside as I left the aisle to get another box.

But like...who is this person and why am I wanting her to stick around so much? 

I’ve never felt this brave before and I’m really liking the feeling of it. And that scares me too.  
How is it that something so terrifying to me also makes me feel like I can handle anything? 

And this is entirely different from both of my situations with Alex and Zab, I always felt like I never had that control, like the wheel was in their hands and I was just the passenger who had to wait and see where they wanted us to go. 

And that’s not to mention all of the other stupid crushes I’ve had over the years where I’d develop that “like” feeling but then immediately think, “nah, it’ll never work out,” and never ended up even speaking to them if we ever ended up in the same space. 

As of now though, I’m still feeling out the situation and attempting to translate the signs given to me correctly. I’ll let you know if anything conclusive turns up, for now though I’m going to enjoy this time as just friends and look forward to the future hang out we have planned at Jade’s on the 12th of July. Who knows, maybe spending more time outside of work will help move things along.

If...there IS anything to move along that is.

God, the 12th can’t come soon enough.


	10. Sunday, October 11th

Heyo, it’s ya boi.

Sooo, in case you haven’t realized, it’s been a minute. Well if a minute is three months...then yes it’s been a minute.

I’ve been meaning to post an update because believe me when I say a LOT has happened since I last wrote, but what else can I say that life has just gotten busier and I am a sucker for procrastination. 

Anyway, so last we “talked” I had still been figuring out my feelings for Luke and investigating how he felt about me (had to jump back to read that one, dang it has been a while.) I was waiting for the 12th to come around so that he and I would have another chance to hang out outside of work and maybe possibly figure out more about what’s going on between us.

Well...no one was more surprised than I was that I didn’t have to wait for the 12th to figure things out. In case you don’t remember, my birthday rolled around the 24th of June and honestly, the day could have started better.

I got an awful lot of birthday wishes that morning which normally would make anyone feel special but for me...for me they were empty words coming from people who I rarely ever heard from and my brain twisted their wishes as something more like an obligation than an actual from the heartfelt sentiment.

Which...wasn’t great. 

I ended up having a pretty bad anxiety attack over it, luckily Hannah had been there and talked me through it but shit was rough. It was because of her that after I calmed down she decided to make the day a little better by actually getting us out of the house for a little celebration. We ended up going to the beach with the kiddos and it had been really fun.

And I don’t know if you remember her or not, but that confident demon in me, Miss “Hey Let’s Take Chances” Moriah decided to come out and make good friends with my sister Hannah. And boy do they get along, and per Hannah’s encouragement, the demon reached out and invited Luke to hang out with us.

It had been a little funny the day before my birthday though, Jade had stopped in on a surprise visit on our lunch break and had let slip that my birthday was the next day. This obviously had caught the attention of Luke and Greg but I had insisted they not make a big deal of it. Like I’ve said before, that’s kind of just how I’ve always been, I do my best to make someone feel like the center of the world on their birthday but for me, I don’t know, I guess I don’t want to be a bother and have them feel like they NEED to do anything for my birthday. It is always nice when someone does do something for me though, I just never want someone to feel like they have to go out of their way.

I’m backwards I know.

But anyway, to continue. It had been nice since the other two knew, and since we all have a group chat together, they had all wished me a happy birthday when 12 A.M. rolled around that morning, and that honestly was one of the sweetest birthday wishes I received that day. More action than words, you know?

Which I guess is why Demon Me did the unthinkable and asked what Luke had been up to. He had replied quickly enough with something along the lines of “nothing really, just gaming with the boys.” Learning that I asked if he wanted to join us at the beach and even pulled an “it’s my birthday so you have to” as a joke because I would never seriously make someone do something for me on my birthday, it was just funny. 

AND LET ME JUST SAY! NO ONE! ABSOLUTELY! N O O N E!

Was more surprised than me when he immediately replied that he was on his way. Like….

AAAAHHH! What!?

And that was when Demon Moriah retreated. Damage done and left hanging with the consequences. What a jerk.

I commentated the whole ordeal to Hannah with many squeals and I’m sure she found it very amusing. So when I started to freak out she suggested I invite Jade too, to act as a buffer, and as someone else to celebrate my birthday with. 

Thank goodness she also had nothing to do that day because honestly I have her to thank for literally everything.

So it’s a 15 minute drive to the beach from where we all live so while waiting for them to arrive I swam with the kids for a bit. When Isaac wanted his goggles and realized he’d left them at the picnic table where we left all of our things I offered to walk him back to grab them.

And even from where we were at, not even halfway to the picnic table, who do I see sitting next to all of our things on his phone likely texting me he was there?

Luke.

And good god I just...I can’t.

Demon Moriah was on standby though, thank goodness, so as we got closer, I got his attention with a “hey you lost, buddy?” Which was alright for me. I seemed normal at least and I don’t believe he saw me shaking (...at least I can hope).

So I led him and Isaac to where we were laid out on the beach and just sprawled out in the sun on our respective towels. Hannah and him seemed to get along great which was honestly a score. Now that I think about it I think she acted as a buffer that day too, and I can’t be more thankful for her either, I had been so nervous!

Jade arrived not long after and even brought me some birthday treats, strawberries dipped in dark chocolate, which had been HEAVENLY.

Two of them had been last to the sand tragically.

R.I.P. strawberries, you are dearly missed.

As it got later though and the kids were getting tired from swimming, our mom came to pick them up to spend the night at her place, so the adults were free to go swimming without worrying about anyone drowning! Hurray!

But as it got even later a hangout-extension was surprisingly planned, turns out we all wanted to hang out just a little longer, so it was decided that we would all head back to our place for scary movies and some...beverages. Totally responsible, totally supervised beverages.

….Yeah...MOVING ON!

So needless to say we ended up getting a little...shwifty. Not too crazy and definitely not shit faced, but there was definitely some liquid courage going on. I also have that to thank for the night.

We never ended up watching scary movies but we all had a great time just laughing it up and playing a few rounds of Just Dance.

Well, Hannah and Jade mostly, Luke and I watched from the couch. 

I’m not entirely sure who initiated the snuggling, pretty sure I had just plopped onto the cushion next to him and he put his head in my lap so with that invitation my hands ended up running through his hair (which is so freaking soft! My word). I for sure remember that I had been the one to press our foreheads together and stupidly saying hi to him like we hadn’t spent the whole afternoon together and him laughing as he said it back.

Not sure how long we sat like that, might’ve been hours, might’ve been minutes, I just remember nuzzling him and just relishing the moment when he up and planted one on me. No warning whatsoever. Nearly killed me, not gonna lie.

And thus my first kiss was taken and my stomach was thrown out the window.

Not sure if I would have thought differently had it been without the drinks but my first thought had embarrassingly been “well that was wetter than I thought it would be.” 

I must have asked him what he had done it for because the next thing he was saying was that he had been wanting to do that for weeks now. I asked him what that meant and he told me that he’s been crazy about me pretty much since we met and I swear on my life my soul left my body.

So there we were, basking in this beautiful, warm, glowing moment, of just yes, FINALLY, I’m not crazy!

And then...he has to puke.

Which, I mean is a little funny and entirely accurate to how my life goes.

He hadn’t had much to eat so we think that had been the main culprit since he hadn’t had that much to drink either, but good thing Jade had been there though since her “mom-friend” instincts came through and she hooked him up in the bathroom with a glass of water. 

Me being shwifty and already an overly emotional human being, I ended up crying since there was nothing I could do to help but Jade came through again and calmed me down. To cheer me up we played a round of Cards Against Humanity on my bathroom floor, me playing Luke’s card for him since he was still pretty intimate with my toilet. (I still tease him about this, his contact in my phone is “Puke” lol) 

Iconic moment though, the black card had been something to do with the best remedy for something and I pulled a throw up related card from both Luke and I’s hand. Think mine had been “bingeing and then purging” and his had been “dry heaving.”

Guess shwifty me also has my sense of humor. 

We were all getting pretty tired though, and thankfully Luke’s stomach had settled so we all decided to head to bed. ORIGINALLY, since I have a bunk bed that I share with my little sister it had been planned that either Jade and I would split the beds and Luke would sleep on the couch or that Luke would take one bunk and Jade and I would claim the other since we’re both small and platonic spooning and all.

But somehow it ended up Jade taking the top bunk and Luke the lower one, so that he was set up next to a trash can….and I ended up spooning him instead. Not really but I remember making the joke of being the big spoon as I slid into bed with him.

Thank you, liquid courage.

It was honestly the best night I’ve spent in my own bed. I don’t think I actually ended up sleeping, I was too wrapped up in feeling Luke’s fingers run through my hair and feeling his heartbeat against my cheek and the few kisses he left on the top of my head and ew I know this is gooy and gross and romantic as all hell but deal with it, I just felt the happiest I ever had and had one of the best nights of snuggling I’ve ever got so I’m going to be as gross about it as I want. 

I honestly half wished the night would never end.

But it did, and that was okay because the next day wasn’t half bad either.

A highlight of the morning had been when we had all woken up around 7 and couldn’t quite go back to sleep but didn’t entirely leave our beds either. Jade had gotten up to use the bathroom, and I had sat up trying to trick myself that I was more awake then I was, Luke had too but as we sat there blinking the sleep away he pushed me back down on the bed and said he really wished he could kiss me again.

Me still thinking I’d been thrown into an alternate universe, malfunctioned and said he could but I didn’t really know how. But oh my god did I learn.

It wasn’t anything too crazy, it was still really innocent so please don’t get the wrong idea, but it did last longer than the peck he gave me the night before.

This time I actually did blurt out that it was wetter than I thought it would be and I haven’t lived it down yet...still die inside a little every time but give me a break my brain was fried!!

Jade came back just in time to laugh at us and tell us we were being gross, jokingly of course, she was happy for us. And happy that her little plan had worked out.

So, as it turns out, as we were hashing out plans for an extended hangout, I had stepped away for two seconds, to see what the plans were for the kids and with Luke and Jade, with my mom and sister when Jade had taken this opportunity to have a little chat with Luke. This chat went along the lines of asking him how he felt about me. And his answer to her being that he’s liked me for a while but didn’t want to ruin our friendship/coworker relationship by saying anything in case I didn’t feel the same 

And Jade, the lovely, wonderful friend that she is, told him that I had been feeling the same and that he should tell me because I would never come clean about it.

And honestly, god I have the best friends in the world. For real, she’s the reason any of it happened and I couldn’t be happier and I’m so glad that I was able to form this friendship with her that inevitably led to everything that I have with Luke now. (I even thanked her for real, to which she then told Luke about which was embarrassing but like what could I do it was true!)

So the day after my birthday started sweet but rough, all of us nursing some headaches and backaches alike (my bed had been a little too small for Luke. Oops.) 

Mostly we sat/slept on the couch all morning. Until mom dropped off the kids and we retreated back to my room when the kids started to tease Luke and I as they had caught us snuggling some more. That had been fun…

We played a few more rounds of cards, I played another iconic moment when Luke’s black card read “what made my first kiss so awkward.” I had one card in my hand and immediately thought, no that’s too mean, and almost didn’t play it UNTIL THIS BITCH said “because I was drunk.”

And was it on, brother.

So I played it. And what card did a play? The “disappointing birthday party” card. And guess who won? Me! HAHA! That had been pretty funny. 

We had a few good laughs playing but wanted to get out of the house for some fresh air. We went to a gas station first for slushies' then headed to the beach again, this time just to sit and chat on the benches. Luke and I joked about our times of pining after each other and them teasing me of all the times I texted Jade during this time of pining. Which yes was embarrassing, but Luke’s arm wrapped around me as we talked and it was honestly funny recalling all my times of crisis while thinking he didn’t like me back. Boy, had I been wrong.

We stayed put for a while, just enjoying not having hangovers anymore and decided to leave once we had finished off our slushies'. Luke had stayed out all night but even with letting his dad know he was worried about him and had to head home. Luke drove and we decided to drop Jade off first since she lived the furthest away out of all of us. 

I sat shotgun while she took the back so I had to suffer her texting me to reach over and grab Luke’s hand or something since it was quote on quote “too awkward for us to not be touching right now.” But all that did was make my face explode and me to text back a shut up or something along those lines. (It was day one for me of whatever was going on, I had to take baby steps, okay!)

I think there was another reason why we decided to drop Jade off first as well, pretty sure Luke had some things he wanted to talk about in private which I’m glad he did because everything was still so new and I had no idea what to expect from here on out. 

So after dropping her off and starting the drive back to my place, we talked, and he did reach over to hold my hand, asking if it was alright which it more than definitely was, nearly lost my heart in the process though.

I ended up asking if this meant we were dating now and he said he would really like it if it had so I’m glad we had that in common. He also wanted to clear up that he hadn’t just kissed me in the heat-of-the-shwifty-moment which I had apparently asked him to do after it happened which must have been a line I stole from a fan fiction because ahh the cringe!

(Must have been like ‘tell me you like me when you’re sober and then I’ll believe you’ something like that, but I mean can you blame me, nothing like this has ever happened to me and the one time it did liquid courage had been involved. Which you know helped but thankfully wasn’t the whole reason.)

So, he meant it, he wanted to date, and as we pulled up to my house apparently wanted another try at this new kissing thing we’d been doing.

And oh my god I nearly died from nerves alone.

I ended up laughing and bonking our foreheads together as I worked up the courage to do it, letting him know that I just needed a second before I pecked him on the lips and made for the door.

Before I could leave though he said “oh was that it?”

And Demon Moriah crawled from God only knows where and took control real quick as I planted another, longer one on him before escaping. Which holy hell, thank you me, you’re the best! 

I came clean to him later that the reason I left so fast was so that he didn’t notice my legs were shaking, I’m not sure how he didn’t though, I could hardly make it up the stairs I was so far up on cloud nine.

And so there you have it. The beginning of Luke and I’s nearly four month relationship. I honestly still feel stuck in a dream sometimes, how else can I explain how lucky I am to have someone as wonderful, understanding, and caring as he is. I ask him what I did to deserve him and each time he just says it's because I exist, like he isn’t one of the best things to happen to me. 

We’ve come so far and I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner for us, for the first time in a while I’m actually looking forward to what tomorrow will bring. 

I’m sorry to anyone who has actually been seriously reading this for taking this long to update. There've been some struggles here on this side of the screen just as I’m sure there’s struggles on the side of yours too. But I need to remember that I can also write about the good stuff too, and that’s what I wanted to do. I’ve come to a really good point in my life and I don’t know, I wanted to share this little bit of happiness I have with you.

I’ll keep writing, for my sake as much as yours, the good and the bad because there’s something to learn from both. Or to enjoy looking back on, if I’m being entirely honest.

I’ll try to fill in on stuff I’ve missed during this period but until then I hope you have a good night and I hope you enjoyed reading this crazy adventure that is my life.

Until next time~ :)


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